HIS
Love can never repeat
When u r hurt
Is very difficult to reconcile
U can never take back the love that u had given out
But u can stop giving it out
Keep the love for urself
Spend ur life on better things
How many love can repeat
She 19 yrs old, me 23 yrs old
She's uni 2nd yr, me jobless
She's good in study, getting scholarship every year, not so pretty and slightly plump.
But she's cute, specially her eyes. After graduated from high school, spending my time with group of spoilt friends everyday. I'm sort good looking, slim body, can consider as handsome. We knew each other via internet, fall in love after that, she is very innocent/ or pure;
Just for the word "I'll cherish u", I became 1st man of her life, I'm very sure she really crazy for me that time, I told her about my n-number of ex gf, she blink her big eyes and smile by telling me that she doesn't mind, she only believes that she'll be my last gal, she even joke that this will prove that her taste, she has good temper, in the beginning of our dating,
I always late for almost each time, I over slept in one of the date.She waited over 2 hours under the strong wind in winter time. When I reached there, she just smile and say next time don't off the phone while sleeping. I'm sort of like her that time, but can't consider love yet.
She 20, I'm 24
She in uni 3rd yr, I'm still jobless
She wanted to get a job, with her qualification.
For her to get into research class is very easy, but she gave up. I do know the reason, I got no job, no income. Love(relationship) can't built on moneyless foundation. She started to work and study at the same time, she even get several jobs. She did it just doesn't want my family thinks that I spend much money after commited a relationship. She didn't allow me to take a penny from home, even my daily expenses were came from her income. In order to get a birthday gift, for 1 month++ she stop taking bus, stop eating.
When I knew about it, she blink her big eyes with a smile and say she went on diet. I think maybe I had fall in love with her that time.
I promised her that I'll learn hard, find a good job, give her good life.
She 21, me 25
She's uni 4th yr, I'm still jobless
That yr she got pregnant, she as a gal.
As a student, it definately a shocking news. Luckily my aunt is a doctor. One night, we quietly did abortion. B'coz it was night time, without anesthetic, my aunt let me use my hand to block her mouth, stop her from screaming, on the operation desk, every action of my aunt, I'll put full strength to block her mouth. Her eye shown tears, her face shown deep suffering expression.
That time I swear to love her forever. That night her bled a lot aunt gave her M.C., let her rest for few days. Together with my mom gave her 800 dollars, let her buy some supplements. But she gave half of the money to me,
Just b'coz I told her I hv no sweather during the spring the other day. And I even kept the money. Not long after I found a job, it was a car salesman. I'd never work b4 since high school graduation, very uncomfortable with the job. Basic pay for the job is very little, she paid for me to further study. She even accompany me to study almost everyday.
She 22, me 26
She works in advertistment, I do automobile marketing.
Maybe b'coz of my good look, extracted many lady clients, therefore keep receiving orders non-stop. Over 1 yr of practise plus a little bit of luck, can even promoted to become a sales supervisor. Since it is doing sales, entertaining prospect is unavoidable. There is a saying, walking besides the riverbank, where can never wet the shoe.
After one of the entertaining drink session, a big client pointed me to send her home. I sent her home, things happened after that, naturally I closed the big order. But that client is not the type of playing ONS, she kept following me. I do reliase the benefit that she can brought me. There is no unleaking secret in this world, moreover my gf is a smart, sensitive gal. But she trying to believe that I wasn't that kind of guy..
I kept quiet, just felt that I was quilty towards her. I decided to open up to the client to terminate the relationship, also get ready to lost the big order too. In the car store, with no objection the client agreed, but her requested a final passion. In fact I already expected her will hv such request. I understand it was a final passion therefore I can't refuse the request.
Life is just like a movie, I know must be that son of bitch in the company who envy of me, informed my gf that me and the client in the car store.Otherwise she won't be going there. At the time when we were in action, gf appeared in front of us. Her eyes stared at us with full of anger, without a word, she left. I chased out without even tidy up my clothes.
However I even failed to catch her shadow. I tried to reach her hp, it was off. Went to her company, not there. Look for her best friend, eventually nobody knows where is she ! That time maybe it was my 1st time felt so anxious from the bottom of my heart. I can only waited outside her house, she sure will show up there. For whole night, I didn't move an inch further scared will missed the chance meeting her. Though the tempreture is not very cold, but the night bleeze will still make ppl feel cold, I never stop calling her hp, but always ended up in voice mail.
Only then I reliase how she felt when she waited for me during winter time, the feeling that she can't reach me at night, really, it was suffering, it was suffering ! 5am in the morning, she finally shown, I rush towards her and hug her. In hope that she will get touched for the sake I'd waited for her whole night, but I was wrong.
She's no more the person who can easily compromise for my few words of apologize. She kept quiet, pushed me away, but I refuse to let her go. During the time she struggle to get away from me, I saw clearly thru her collar opening, it was a red marking below her neck. Experienced ppl knew what it was I let go my hand, my heart suddenly had undescriptable feeling. She continue keeping quiet, tidy up her clothes and left.
It was already 8am when I reached home, the brain was confusing. Saw the sweather she made for me, sudden ask myself "What right do u hv for upset, sad, angry, over the 4 yrs, the upset, sad, anger u had broght her, is it comparable ?" When time I just about to see, phone rang, it was her best friend wanted to see me. I went, it was a restaurant with very few ppl. B4 I managed to say my 1st statement she slapped real hard on my face.
U a selfish, narrow minded, mean guy, never seen a guy as shameless as u until such extend, do u know, how ur debt were settled, she use all her angpau money collected on her 20 birthday, plus the money she donate blood to settle ur debt. She didn't rest a day and continue to work after the abortion. When u just got ur job, in order to make u build up ur confident. She accompanied a prospect to drink so that he will buy car from u. In the end she suffered from gastric and vomitted for few days And u, after worked for 1 yr, hv u ever buy her any present ? R u really a man, do u ever care for her, ever loved her, or u being together with her, just utilising her, treated her like a play toy, psychology console, a quality certified tool !!! A glass of water was throw on me after she finished, she left.
I didn't say a word in the whole meeting. I cried, in my memory, I never cried b4. But this time I cried real hard, I'm a damn terrible man. Her best friend was right, she did/contributed so much. But I know nothing about it, I can't deny the fact, I love her, I tell myself I only love her for the rest of the life. I search for her, I'd prepared for whatever outcome. No matter how she treated me, scold me, hit me, curse me. I must take practical action to make her forgive me. But she act real fast,
She can keep me from finding her within a day. She quit her job, changed number, doesn't stay in the some house. Nobody willing to tell me where she is. But I never give up, after office hour I started to search for her on the street with no definate destination. Waited outside her door step everyday, beg her best friend to tell me her news, but no help.
3 months has gone, I beg her best friend as usual. It almost became my habit. "She has gone to Germany, will not return in 3 years time, u may just give up". I already knew that she has an uncle worked as student enrolment agency in Germany. Never thought she'll go there that fast. I'm really cheap, why when lose it. Then only knows to appreciate and regret. 3 yrs ? Maybe it is an opportunity, she returns 3 yrs later. I must change, therefore I study hard, work hard, to shorten our gap.
Yr 2002, I 29, she 25.
I already graduated from 3 yrs of study in night uni, career already on track.
I even match make my colleague and her best friend, the objective is obvious. I hv intention search for her in Germany in these 3 yrs, but don't know which city she is in. I never talk to stranger woman, even an important client. I saved all the money, always write her name. On every occasion and her birthday, will buy something that she ever said her favourites. Writing on a piece of red paper "I love u" everyday. Writing on a piece of white paper "I'm sorry", fold it into a heart shape. Kept them on two different bottles. I tattoo her name on my back at waist level. Coz she did said putting tattoo must be very pain. That kind of pain is sufficient to prove how deep the love for someone. If someone ever tattoo her name on the body, she will definately marry him.
3 yrs of hardwork, slowly make her best friend begin to forgive me. For the 1st time I saw her photo in Germany, and her tape recording. She doesn't change, her eyes still sharp/shine, pretty. Her voice still tender, sweet. Since the incident in the car store 3 yrs ago, I never heard of her voice b4. Don't know why the tears just came out by itself,
In 3 yrs time, my tears producing function seems to increase 100%.
Her best friend said her will return early december this year. But not sure she is still single, or will forgive me. That's all her best friend can do by telling me her arrival time and flight number,
In the past 3 yrs whenever her best friend mentioned about me, she will just put down the phone or stop talking. I know I really hurt her too deep, too hard. How many love can repeat, how many ppl willing to wait. December is coming soon, for the past few weeks I'd insomnia almost everyday. I don't know whether she'll forget me, don't know what to tell her when 1st met. There are too many don't know, but I'll let her know, for now onwards I'll love her forever!
HER
How many love can repeat???
B4 19, I tot I was a lucky gal.
I respect the senior and care the junior at home, being a good gal, makes many ppl pamper. I'm score good grade in school, study hard is definately teacher's favourite student. In the eye of classmate. I'm an active, considerable person, gained many friendship, family pamper me, teachers love me, classmates like me. From primary school til high school, never retain b4.
I didn't disappoint everyone hope during uni entering exam. Get into a famous uni, so received 1st class scholarship in the 1st uni yr. During that time, family proud of me, many ppl think that, my future will surely smooth and bright. And my future partner will be equivalent or even better qualification than me.
However after 19, I knew him on internet.His background is totally different from me. His world gave me curiousity and extraction.
I tot I'm rational, but still met him in the end. I fall in love with him at the 1st sight for his dispirited, his dissolute, his melancholy make me produced strong extraction. My heart beaten really fast almost came out from the chest. My almost suffocated, my face turned red like getting fever.
He sure was an experienced guy in relationship, can see thru my heart. He wanted me to become his gf, just b'coz I'm different, pure and innocent, and I was stupid to believe that he really like me, agree being his gf. I have to admit that it was the vanity, I'm good in all areas, except no confident on my look.
He has fulfill my vanity that I'd left out. For the 1% of vanity, and 99% of the love I've for him. Me, paid 100% for the price.
In our 1st yr of relationship..
I'd given him many of my 1st time in my life. 1st time hold hands, 1st time hugging, 1st time kissing, 1st time close contact......I tot the way I gave out, he will touched,impressed, he will satisfy, he will love me. But the way he treated just as normal, when we were together. He was like a guy without soul, can be no reaction for the whole day. He always forgot about our dating Can let me waited him in the hard cold winter, even not seeing his shadow.
Very seldom care for me. High fever for 1 week, he didn't see me not even a phone call. Later on he said didn't know about it. If for a smart gal will definately dump he that time. But I was like addicted, didn't mad at him. On another way always consider for him, always think for him. It was really silly.
2nd yr...
my teacher and family ask me to sit for the research class exam, I gave up. Many ppl were surprise, dad and mom were condemned me. It was their 1st time scolded me, but it doesn't bring any effect. B'coz I wanna earn money, I don't want he expenses increase, although he never spend a cent on me. I applied permit to work from the school. Due to my usual good result, easily found a quite good job. I gather all the incomes and split into 2, him half I half.
Still remember wanted to buy a pair of shoe as his birthday present, for 1 month save spending on food, don't take bus.
To settle his debt, I enrolled for blood donation. Use the money for food and from parent to settle his debt, and not to let him know. Afraid that he'll worry me, but think of it he might not even worry about that time. It was a pity silly.
3rd yr...
I got pregnant, God, I was very anxious. Can't let my family know about it. And my illness also slowly started this yr. My family doesn't know I was in relationship, b'coz such bf can never show it to ppl, I understand this. But I was blind by love, let love torture, I'll always feel upset for his cool treatment towards me. But I must keep/hide any unhappy thing once I reached home. Must pretend happy, no channel to express the emotion, it was very hard to live in those days.
At home I need to joke with everybody, act as usual, but deep in my heart I was very anxious. Luckily his has a doctor aunt. To avoid letting ppl in hospital find out, we did abortion at night quietly. No nurse, no anesthetic, only with those cool tools moving inside me.
Abortion was very painful, without anesthetic make me even pain to dead. Ppl who never experienced it can never imagine how painful it was. I wanted to scream, but he used his hand to block my mouth, for not letting me making noise. I understand late night in the hospital, and it was an abortion. If scream out, will definitely draw ppl's attention.
All I can do is just hold it, I cried while looking at him, I saw care/cherish from his eyes for the 1st time. I know he finally cared for me, tears came out non-stop.
After the operation, I bled a lot. His mom and aunt gave me some money, told me take a good rest. And I gave half of the money to him, the next day I went to work. The reason is I don't want to lose the good pay job. I saw hope in his eyes in the abortion operation. Furthermore he promised to work hard, wanted to further study, therefore I must work even harder.
4th yr..
I graduated and started to work, he kept his promise and found a job. And started to further study, due that he was left far behind. I accompany him to study everyday, paid for his fee. To avoid parents' suspicious, I gave them an amount of money every month. For this reason I'm either take 2 jobs, or save very hard on expenses every month, then only can keep things under control. Fortunately under our hardwork, he finally managed to get into night uni. Since quite good on his performance, got promoted to be sales supervisor,
This make me feel that me and him has future, it was worth for my hard time in the past. But it will never be perfect in reality, he can never change. He had sex with one of his client, I saw it with my own eyes. The moment I saw them in action, I was full with hatred, I'll definately kill them if I hv a gun in my hand, my head like being exploded. Run out like mad, I told myself not to cry. But think about over the years, things that I'd repeatedly done for him, sacrified for him, gave up for him, can't stop crying, can't hold it.
I spent whole night in the bar whole night, get drunk, I wanted to forget everything. Early morning I went back home, found that he was waiting there. I don't know how long he has waited, don't even bother to know. It doesn't hv any meaning to me anymore, he hugged with full strength. Keep apologizing, but I can't listen a word, while struggling. He suddenly left off his hand, I know he saw the red mark below my neck. He tot I turned bad/evil. Actually I fell at the table corner while dancing in drunk. What a joke, he definately a terrible man, can even care about it. This make me even more hates,
He let me saw how narrow minded he was. Just like I was the one who made him feel grievance. I don't want to explain, let him be.
When I reached home, suppress my sadnest by telling my parent that unhappy with existing job and wanted to further study. They were very surprise, but they agreed too. They already wanted me to further study in the very beginning, only that I not willing.
I went see my best friend for a talking, I can't hold my sadnest in front of her anymore. Totally collapsed, I told her things that I'd done for him in the past yrs. In the end we hugged and cried together, I felt better after telling everything. I called to quit the job, told my parent to said I'm in when anybody look for me. Changed the number, when on vacation.
Since uncle was student enrolment agent, and my result was very good in uni, got accepted after 3 months, I left immediately without any delay. But once I reached Germany, I found that I got melancholia. Many ppl didn't believe it, a cheerful person like me. Can never get this illness, I know what I'm doing when I'm in good condition. But always got illusion once hit by the mental illness, think of the past. Then cried, sometimes in a daze, hurting myself. I even scare for my own self, I hate why I need to live under his shadow. Fortunately I'm a strong child, while receiving therapy.
Sometime I study very hard, I listen to doctor's advice. Put all the concentration on the study, take medicine on time. Do more things that produce happiness, never think back the past. I finally get thru it,
The last 2 yrs in Germany, finally can consider I successfully let go of him.
This yr graduated and returning home..
I returned to long left home. The family is still as warm as b4, still proud of me. Let me gained back the long lost feeling. It was really happy, but a week later, best friend guided me to a website. Saw the article, again it triggered my memory.
Each character, each word is hard to make me believe it was came out from him. Was it his confession. My best friend was bribed by him. Maybe she was touched, but she wasn't me. She maybe know I'm hurt, but never know how hurt. She maybe know I hatred, but never know how hatred.
Can his 3 yrs of waiting and my 3 yrs of sacrify be comparable ? Can the money that he saved comparable with the money that I sold blood and hard earn?
He bought those so called my favourite things
and those things I bought him by not eating and not drinking, can camparable ? He wrote those "I love u", "I'm sorry" heart shaped fold paper. Can it comparable with the love that I had for him and grievance I got in the past 3 years?
The tattoo pain on his waist. Can it comparable with the pain I'd for the abortion ?
My pain was just about to relieve, my life has slowly recover/back to normal. But u again wanted to get in, puppy love at 19, in exchange for numerous wounds. I even presented my very pure/true love to u. 6 yrs of time, make me no longer innocent like a white paper.
Do u think I must bet/gamble again, do u think is necessary for me to bet/gamble again? Do u think will it exchange for even more than 6 yrs of purnishment?
How many love can repeat?
How many ppl willing to be hurt again?
Life, that is no rehearsal.
Many things can't compare.
Love from both party certainly can't be compared.
This is cruel for both party.
It is very cruel towards ourself. Pls be kind towards ourself.
Love can't repeat...
But can be choosen.
[i hate dr addison sheperd. sumimasen :-"]
currently listening to: yellowcard - only one